The birth of my first baby, my daughter Lucy, left me feeling angry and victimized. I was subject to various hospital policies that were counterproductive and even abusive. As a result, I had avoidable birth injuries, including a prolapse that is still painful 5 years later. After the birth of our daughter, we had two losses. Many of the women in my life had experienced miscarriage, and I was very familiar with the physical and emotional pain that such a loss incurs. So when I lost mine, I knew I should expect to labor for a few hours and I stayed home, in our bathtub, with my husband by my side fielding messages of love, compassion, and condolence from loved ones. The water was so soothing in that agonizing time that I knew without a doubt I would want to return to the tub in happier times to bring forth a baby we could keep. Several months later, I suspected I was pregnant again, but before I could confirm with a test, the process started again, and I returned to the water in pain and sadness.
We tried a third time, and I knew from the beginning that we were successful. I had an inexplicable confidence that we had conceived and that our baby would be healthy and perfect. Having had two losses, I was still scared to trust that feeling, but I had it nonetheless. I took a pregnancy test a few days before my husband Matt and I had agreed I would (those things are expensive!) and it came up positive immediately. When I snuck over to my sleeping hubby to tell him the news, he didn’t even open his eyes before saying, “How do you know?” I laughed and told him I had taken a test already. But the real answer was that I just knew. I knew I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to deliver at home, and I knew with certainty that Heather was the perfect midwife for me. I had interviewed her months earlier, and having done extensive research on birth and homebirth, I had very strong opinions regarding how I wanted to be treated and how I wanted my baby to be treated. She was not just willing to do things the way I wanted; she agreed that they were the best way to do them. I left the interview knowing that we were a perfect fit and very excited to work with her.
I found the pregnancy difficult. I had periodic bleeding that always scared me and nausea so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed for months. I was still vomiting into the third trimester! Unbelievable food aversions left my diet questionable at best, but I did the best I could and took a very good prenatal vitamin. Throughout the pregnancy, I read every book and article I could get my hands on and questioned Heather endlessly. She always answered my questions in the way my research indicated that she should, so whenever I truly needed advice I trusted her implicitly. I never felt repressed or demeaned, and I looked forward to our appointments. I loved when she came over and we just chatted like friends. I also loved that my husband, daughter, and even my pets were included in the prenatal appointments. I looked forward to giving birth and was truly excited for it!
A month before my due date, I was having contractions that were irregular but getting more intense. I could feel my body growing closer to labor. At my 36 week appointment, I told Heather that if I was not at least 3cm dilated I would kick her in the face. She laughed and checked, saying, “Well, I’m glad I won’t get kicked! You’re at three! And 50-60% effaced!” I told her that the baby would be born in less than a week. This was on Friday, August 23rd. My mother was scheduled to fly into town two weeks later! I called her and told her that we would have to change her flight because there was no way this baby was going to wait that long. She changed her flight to Monday the 26th. My daughter’s birthday was Sunday the 25th and we took her to Chuck-E-Cheese that evening. I walked around having contractions that were still irregular but growing in intensity. I knew we were close. My neighbor came over for birthday cake that night and offered to go to the airport to pick up my mom the next day when I voiced my concern that I might actually go into labor. (Matt could not go because he was booked solid at work that day.) Imagine being in the middle of the desert with a five year old and your water breaking! I was very grateful for her offer.
I had trouble sleeping that night and the next morning, Monday, when Matt woke me up I could hardly open my eyes. “I need you to take me to work now, honey.” We share a car, so I needed to drop him off so that I could then go to El Paso to pick up my mother. I shook my head and said, “I can’t. I didn’t get enough sleep and I just can’t get up.” I was so tired and the thought of getting out of bed seemed as feasible to me as climbing Everest. I kept saying, “I can’t go.” And as I lay there, arguing with Matt about the logistics of him taking our car to work while I simultaneously took it to the airport, my water broke. I felt the warm gushing and jumped out of bed, unsure of whether or not I was just peeing! My puzzled husband looked at me with concern as I pushed past him and ran to the bathroom. I did have to pee, and could still feel the gushing, so when I was sure I was done peeing and the gushing continued, I looked at Matt and said, “My water just broke. I TOLD you I can’t go to the airport!” He stood there looking panicked as I took note of the time and calmly considered what I should do first. Poor guy had been planning on using that day to write three weeks’ worth of lesson plans for his classes, and to interview students for his work study program in preparation for his paternity leave. I could see the chaos in his face as he frantically assessed his calendar and said to him, “It’s okay, honey. Reschedule your students and call your boss. I will call Heather. We’re having a baby today!” He smiled, nodded silently, and left the room. I smiled too as I pondered the situation in silence and considered the timing of it all. I decided that I would wait for my mother to arrive before I had the baby. She was already in the air and would be landing late in the afternoon. I had prepared my daughter Lucy (newly 5) to be present for the birth, and I really needed my mother to be there to be in charge of taking care of her if she needed attention. So I decided to wait for her.
I called Heather and told her my water had just broken. Verbatim, she said, “Are you serious?!” I laughed and assured her it wouldn’t be a very funny joke if I was lying, so she asked me if I was ok, and if I was having contractions and if I could feel the baby move. I told her that I was just fine. I wasn’t scared or worried, just content. I could feel very small contractions but no movement yet. She told me to lie down and see if I could feel the baby move, and that she would call me back after she took a shower. So I lied down in bed and silently reflected on my baby. He started moving and I talked to him a bit, telling him that I was excited to meet him and that he would be born soon. We didn’t know if we were having a boy or a girl, so I just called him “baby” at that point. I called my neighbor and asked her if she was still willing to go get my mother for me, and she said she would. So I texted my mom to tell her the news. Then I called my sister. My sister Hannah and I are very very close and I was so sad that she couldn’t be there. She lives in Pittsburgh and recently had her own baby so was unable to travel.
After chatting with Hannah and resting, I wanted to get some soup prepared in case I wanted the broth later. I went into the kitchen and started happily peeling and chopping veggies. I asked my husband if he had remembered to bring home his camera from work, and he shook his head. I sent him to go retrieve it, along with a nice fruity smoothie for me with extra protein powder. I started to have contractions every three minutes, but they were not very long. When Heather called back, I reported this to her and she told me that this sometimes happens when baby is in a weird position. She instructed me to do some cat/cow poses on hands and knees and see if that helps. It did, and contractions went back to about every 10-15 minutes.
Heather sent Alana over, another local midwife who was assisting her on my birth. I had met Alana twice and loved her, so I was happy to see her when she came over. Alana was in town already (Heather lives an hour away) so she came over to check on Hugo’s heartbeat and my blood pressure, and to see that all was well. She and Lucy set up the birthing tub and started filling it with water so it would be ready when I wanted it. My pulse was a little fast, so she instructed me to drink some water because I was probably a bit dehydrated. She was right! I was feeling very relaxed and calm, so she left again when Heather reported that she was on her way. I was fine with being left alone with my family, and preferred it so that I could just chill out and wait for my mom.
When Heather arrived, she asked me if I wanted her to check me. I did. I was 4-5 cm and 80%. Matt worked on the soup and he also put some beef in the crock pot in case I wanted that instead. While he did that, Heather and I hung out in the dining room and chatted. Every time I moved, I leaked more fluid so there were a lot of laughs. In fact, at one point, I got up to go to the bathroom and Heather made a phone call. After I went, I stood up to wash my hands and fluid gushed out. It was so much I yelled “Oh My God!” and Heather came running. She looked very concerned but I was already laughing. “Sorry,” I told her. “I just leaked a ton and it surprised me. Finish your call.”
Contractions continued to be irregular so I decided to put on a movie. I wanted something funny, so we chose Anchorman. I laughed through contractions and felt very relaxed. Heather asked me if I’d like a foot rub, and I enthusiastically consented. I think it was meant to make labor come on a bit stronger, but instead it just relaxed me further and I said I wanted to take a nap. Heather’s kids were sick and her husband had brought them into town, so Heather asked me if I’d mind if she went to check on them and nurse her baby while I nap. I told her that was just fine, so she left and I relaxed. It was almost time for my mother’s plane to land, so I waited to hear from her as I rested. I couldn’t sleep, but I did enjoy the quiet and the relaxed mood in the house.
When my mother finally arrived, I was chilling on the couch. Instantly, my contractions picked up to every 5 minutes. I was ready to be in labor! I suggested we take a walk, so Matt, Lucy, Mom, and I walked around the neighborhood. When I had a contraction I couldn’t walk through, I leaned on Matt with my arms around his neck and my head on his shoulder or chest. Eventually Lucy got tired of walking, so we headed back home to drop her off with my mom and Matt and I planned on walking more. Heather arrived during that break and I asked her if she’d like to come with us. She did, so she, Matt, and I took another walk around the neighborhood, pausing for my contractions when necessary. Matt rubbed my back during contractions and whispered soothing mantras. The sun was starting to set, so it was cool and breezy after a very hot day, and we had beautiful views of the mountains as we walked. After about a mile or so, I got tired of walking and my contractions were becoming difficult to stand through, so we returned home. The house smelled like chicken soup, an aroma that has brought me comfort since childhood. I walked into the kitchen but stopped for a contraction and found I couldn’t’ support my weight without help, so I leaned on the counter. I mentioned how comfortable it was to labor leaning over the counter, and at this point I still felt like the labor was very easy. I suggested we watch Borat because I wanted to keep laughing, so Matt put it on. After a few contractions, Heather grabbed one of Lucy’s small yellow plastic chairs and suggested I put one foot up on it on the next contraction. I was still leaning on the counter, so I lifted my right leg and put it on the chair. The next contraction was intense! The chair made a huge difference and I finally felt like the contraction was very difficult. I had been vocalizing during contractions, mostly a low moan, but this time I screamed, “Heather you bitch!” I glanced over at her to make sure she knew I was trying to be funny. She was laughing, so I added, “I knew midwives were witches!” When the contraction was over, she asked me if it was really that much more intense. “Yes!” I replied.
“Do you want to try the other side on the next contraction?”
“Yes!”
And I did, and it was just as intense. After about half a dozen more contractions, I could no longer stay in a standing position, so I moved over to the floor where I had set up yoga mats near the couch. I had a contraction on the way, but I was laughing at the movie. I couldn’t stop laughing, even though it made the contraction more painful! I got on my hands and knees and when I had contractions, I put my arms up on the sofa and buried my face in the cushions. Heather came and sat next to me. I asked her if I was upright enough to still make progress and she said I was. After only a few contractions in this position, things were getting intense and I felt like I needed to start crying. I told Heather that I felt like crying, and she told me to go ahead. I remember thinking, I can’t start crying now, because I’m probably going to have a meltdown in transition and I need to save my crying for then. So I’ll hold it together now so that I can break down in transition. I have no idea how much of this thought process I verbalized, because my contractions were starting to get so close together that I couldn’t find a comfortable resting position. I tried kneeling, sitting, staying semi-upright with my face buried in the pillows, and nothing worked. I told Heather that I thought I needed to get into the water. “Okay,” she said. “But let me tell you three things. 1. You’ve only had this consistent contraction pattern for about 15-20 minutes, so it hasn’t been very well established yet. If you get in the water now, it couldslow things back down. 2. I could check you to see what kind of progress you’ve made and then you could decide. Or 3. You could tell me to fuck off and get in the water anyway.
Smiling, I considered what she said. I remembered reading that water is so relaxing that it can slow things back down, so I decided to tough it out a little longer. But I felt like I had to poop, so I decided to try that. I got up and walked into the bathroom and tried. I sat down, pain. I stood up, pain. I sat again and stood again a few times and Matt came in to check on me. I hugged him and whimpered that I couldn’t go to the bathroom because it was too painful and he said that was ok. I walked back out to the living room and I could feel pressure so I told Heather I was getting into the water. She nodded and said “okay” and started to help me in. While I was in the bathroom, she had called Alana and told to come over, but I didn’t know. As I was stepping into the tub, though, I looked up at the tv and saw that it was the scene in Borat where he and his manager were running around naked, so I stopped short and said “Why aren’t you fast forwarding through this scene?! This is inappropriate for Lucy!” I think Lucy may have been the only person actually watching it at that point, so no one had noticed. Matt grabbed the remote and skipped the scene and someone asked me if I wanted it turned off and I said yes. Things were too intense to focus on Borat’s antics anymore. (But not too intense to censor my child’s media exposure, apparently.) So I stepped into the deliciously hot water and felt instant relief. I think I even closed my eyes and said “ahhhhhh.” Everything relaxed and I had a few moments to breathe. I asked Heather to check me at that point and she did. She said I was 8-10 cm and that one more contraction should make it a full 10. And then it dawned on me that I was in transition and that was why I had wanted to cry. Right then I had another contraction and I that ended in pushing a little bit. I was surprised to already be pushing! I remember a fleeting feeling of guilt that I was pushing without permission, and then I remembered that I didn’t need permission and I could push when I wanted to. (With my daughter, I was told not to push because the doctor was stuck in traffic.) I got up on my knees and told Matt, “If you want your mom to be here on Skype, get her now!” I held on to the side of the pool while he set up the computer and squatted between pushes. When a contraction came, I got on my knees and pushed. Matt returned and I wrapped one arm around him and he wrapped his around my back. Lucy and my mother were behind me, Alana walked in around that point, and she and Heather were next to Lucy and my mom. The computer was next to them, with my mother-in-law Mary on Skype. My mother called my sister Hannah and held the phone up so that Hannah could listen. I was completely surrounded by people who love me. I told them all, without mincing words, to “shut up!”
I was pushing him down and it HURT! I felt like if I could just hold the baby in, I could stop the pain. But I remembered Ina May Gaskin writing in one of the books I read that I had to release and work with the pain in order for it to stop hurting. So I relaxed and pushed, releasing a screamy growl. I could feel him descending. Another push, the same. I became somewhat concerned that Lucy might be scared, but my mother told me she was peeking into the water, looking for the head. I had prepared her well! Another push and I felt that desperation to have him out. They slid a mirror under me in case I wanted to look, but I couldn’t open my eyes. Every push I was sure would be THE PUSH TO END ALL PUSHES, but the next one only started crowning. I think I kept asking if they could see the head. When they finally said they could, I reached down to touch it, hoping to feel a head full of soft baby hair. When I felt his head, I was so happy to feel hair that the next push I gave it my all. I was sure his head must be out so I asked, “Is the head out?” A pause, and then one of the midwives said, “You’re stretching! Good job!” I was so pissed off. I thought, Don’t fucking tell me good job I want it OUT! I said, “Get it out!” I was sure that they could help me get him out and they were just not trying. The next push released his head, and so I gathered all my strength and told myself it would just be one more. One last push, and I felt his shoulders release and his body fly out, into the water. I exclaimed, “It’s out!” As if they all couldn’t see. I was still on my knees leaning over the side of the pool and trying to catch my breath. Heather said, “Ok, pick up your baby.” For a second I ignored her. I couldn’t move; I just needed a second to transition from pushing to cuddling. Someone told me a second time to pick up the baby and I thought, Someone else just pick up the fucking baby. Can you not see what I just did? Are you seriously going to let it drown if I don’t do it myself! God what the fuck?! And as quickly as I had that thought, it passed and I turned around and saw him floating with his back up. I turned him over and saw that he was a boy at the same time that Matt did, and we announced in chorus, “It’s a boy!” as I lifted him out of the water. Heather helped me with his cord so I could sit back and hold him on my chest in while relaxing in the tub. He was covered in vernix, a grayish color, and had a lopsided conehead. He was silent. He was perfect. Heather covered him with a towel as Lucy and Matt leaned over to see his face and my mom took pictures. He still didn’t cry. I asked Heather if he was ok. She smiled and nodded. He was so peaceful and quiet! I asked them to turn off the lights in the room so we could just relax together. He lay on my chest and stayed quiet. I was in awe. I kissed Matt and turned to look at Lucy. She looked at me and said, “Mom, now you’re my hero.” And that was when I cried.
The afterpains were much worse than I had expected them to be, and I did not want to deliver the placenta. I adamantly refused to! I told Heather it could stay in forever. Obviously it came out anyway! When I was ready to get out of the water, after delivering the placenta and nursing Hugo for the first time, Matt held him and Heather and Alana helped me out. Heather checked on me and then she helped Lucy cut his cord, giving her a high-five for a job well done. I watched from the couch, cursing the afterpains but feeling satisfied that I had had the birth I always wanted. Hugo was 7 lbs 8 oz and despite being half a pound bigger than his sister, I did not tear. (I had stitches in two places after birthing Lucy.) I announced that I was starving, and Heather and Alana chuckled and said, “That’s what we like to hear!” We all had the matzo ball soup that Matt and my mom had been working on all day. I had planned on Lucy and my mom baking a birthday cake for Hugo while I labored, but there wasn’t enough time, so Lucy shared the leftover cake from her birthday the day before with her brother and we all celebrated his Birth Day. My son was here, and his birth was perfect.
Note from Heather: Please visit thematrona.com and read The Holistic Stages of Labor for reassurance to many moms out there that it is normal and natural to need a moment or more before wanting to hold or greet your baby!
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We tried a third time, and I knew from the beginning that we were successful. I had an inexplicable confidence that we had conceived and that our baby would be healthy and perfect. Having had two losses, I was still scared to trust that feeling, but I had it nonetheless. I took a pregnancy test a few days before my husband Matt and I had agreed I would (those things are expensive!) and it came up positive immediately. When I snuck over to my sleeping hubby to tell him the news, he didn’t even open his eyes before saying, “How do you know?” I laughed and told him I had taken a test already. But the real answer was that I just knew. I knew I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to deliver at home, and I knew with certainty that Heather was the perfect midwife for me. I had interviewed her months earlier, and having done extensive research on birth and homebirth, I had very strong opinions regarding how I wanted to be treated and how I wanted my baby to be treated. She was not just willing to do things the way I wanted; she agreed that they were the best way to do them. I left the interview knowing that we were a perfect fit and very excited to work with her.
I found the pregnancy difficult. I had periodic bleeding that always scared me and nausea so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed for months. I was still vomiting into the third trimester! Unbelievable food aversions left my diet questionable at best, but I did the best I could and took a very good prenatal vitamin. Throughout the pregnancy, I read every book and article I could get my hands on and questioned Heather endlessly. She always answered my questions in the way my research indicated that she should, so whenever I truly needed advice I trusted her implicitly. I never felt repressed or demeaned, and I looked forward to our appointments. I loved when she came over and we just chatted like friends. I also loved that my husband, daughter, and even my pets were included in the prenatal appointments. I looked forward to giving birth and was truly excited for it!
A month before my due date, I was having contractions that were irregular but getting more intense. I could feel my body growing closer to labor. At my 36 week appointment, I told Heather that if I was not at least 3cm dilated I would kick her in the face. She laughed and checked, saying, “Well, I’m glad I won’t get kicked! You’re at three! And 50-60% effaced!” I told her that the baby would be born in less than a week. This was on Friday, August 23rd. My mother was scheduled to fly into town two weeks later! I called her and told her that we would have to change her flight because there was no way this baby was going to wait that long. She changed her flight to Monday the 26th. My daughter’s birthday was Sunday the 25th and we took her to Chuck-E-Cheese that evening. I walked around having contractions that were still irregular but growing in intensity. I knew we were close. My neighbor came over for birthday cake that night and offered to go to the airport to pick up my mom the next day when I voiced my concern that I might actually go into labor. (Matt could not go because he was booked solid at work that day.) Imagine being in the middle of the desert with a five year old and your water breaking! I was very grateful for her offer.
I had trouble sleeping that night and the next morning, Monday, when Matt woke me up I could hardly open my eyes. “I need you to take me to work now, honey.” We share a car, so I needed to drop him off so that I could then go to El Paso to pick up my mother. I shook my head and said, “I can’t. I didn’t get enough sleep and I just can’t get up.” I was so tired and the thought of getting out of bed seemed as feasible to me as climbing Everest. I kept saying, “I can’t go.” And as I lay there, arguing with Matt about the logistics of him taking our car to work while I simultaneously took it to the airport, my water broke. I felt the warm gushing and jumped out of bed, unsure of whether or not I was just peeing! My puzzled husband looked at me with concern as I pushed past him and ran to the bathroom. I did have to pee, and could still feel the gushing, so when I was sure I was done peeing and the gushing continued, I looked at Matt and said, “My water just broke. I TOLD you I can’t go to the airport!” He stood there looking panicked as I took note of the time and calmly considered what I should do first. Poor guy had been planning on using that day to write three weeks’ worth of lesson plans for his classes, and to interview students for his work study program in preparation for his paternity leave. I could see the chaos in his face as he frantically assessed his calendar and said to him, “It’s okay, honey. Reschedule your students and call your boss. I will call Heather. We’re having a baby today!” He smiled, nodded silently, and left the room. I smiled too as I pondered the situation in silence and considered the timing of it all. I decided that I would wait for my mother to arrive before I had the baby. She was already in the air and would be landing late in the afternoon. I had prepared my daughter Lucy (newly 5) to be present for the birth, and I really needed my mother to be there to be in charge of taking care of her if she needed attention. So I decided to wait for her.
I called Heather and told her my water had just broken. Verbatim, she said, “Are you serious?!” I laughed and assured her it wouldn’t be a very funny joke if I was lying, so she asked me if I was ok, and if I was having contractions and if I could feel the baby move. I told her that I was just fine. I wasn’t scared or worried, just content. I could feel very small contractions but no movement yet. She told me to lie down and see if I could feel the baby move, and that she would call me back after she took a shower. So I lied down in bed and silently reflected on my baby. He started moving and I talked to him a bit, telling him that I was excited to meet him and that he would be born soon. We didn’t know if we were having a boy or a girl, so I just called him “baby” at that point. I called my neighbor and asked her if she was still willing to go get my mother for me, and she said she would. So I texted my mom to tell her the news. Then I called my sister. My sister Hannah and I are very very close and I was so sad that she couldn’t be there. She lives in Pittsburgh and recently had her own baby so was unable to travel.
After chatting with Hannah and resting, I wanted to get some soup prepared in case I wanted the broth later. I went into the kitchen and started happily peeling and chopping veggies. I asked my husband if he had remembered to bring home his camera from work, and he shook his head. I sent him to go retrieve it, along with a nice fruity smoothie for me with extra protein powder. I started to have contractions every three minutes, but they were not very long. When Heather called back, I reported this to her and she told me that this sometimes happens when baby is in a weird position. She instructed me to do some cat/cow poses on hands and knees and see if that helps. It did, and contractions went back to about every 10-15 minutes.
Heather sent Alana over, another local midwife who was assisting her on my birth. I had met Alana twice and loved her, so I was happy to see her when she came over. Alana was in town already (Heather lives an hour away) so she came over to check on Hugo’s heartbeat and my blood pressure, and to see that all was well. She and Lucy set up the birthing tub and started filling it with water so it would be ready when I wanted it. My pulse was a little fast, so she instructed me to drink some water because I was probably a bit dehydrated. She was right! I was feeling very relaxed and calm, so she left again when Heather reported that she was on her way. I was fine with being left alone with my family, and preferred it so that I could just chill out and wait for my mom.
When Heather arrived, she asked me if I wanted her to check me. I did. I was 4-5 cm and 80%. Matt worked on the soup and he also put some beef in the crock pot in case I wanted that instead. While he did that, Heather and I hung out in the dining room and chatted. Every time I moved, I leaked more fluid so there were a lot of laughs. In fact, at one point, I got up to go to the bathroom and Heather made a phone call. After I went, I stood up to wash my hands and fluid gushed out. It was so much I yelled “Oh My God!” and Heather came running. She looked very concerned but I was already laughing. “Sorry,” I told her. “I just leaked a ton and it surprised me. Finish your call.”
Contractions continued to be irregular so I decided to put on a movie. I wanted something funny, so we chose Anchorman. I laughed through contractions and felt very relaxed. Heather asked me if I’d like a foot rub, and I enthusiastically consented. I think it was meant to make labor come on a bit stronger, but instead it just relaxed me further and I said I wanted to take a nap. Heather’s kids were sick and her husband had brought them into town, so Heather asked me if I’d mind if she went to check on them and nurse her baby while I nap. I told her that was just fine, so she left and I relaxed. It was almost time for my mother’s plane to land, so I waited to hear from her as I rested. I couldn’t sleep, but I did enjoy the quiet and the relaxed mood in the house.
When my mother finally arrived, I was chilling on the couch. Instantly, my contractions picked up to every 5 minutes. I was ready to be in labor! I suggested we take a walk, so Matt, Lucy, Mom, and I walked around the neighborhood. When I had a contraction I couldn’t walk through, I leaned on Matt with my arms around his neck and my head on his shoulder or chest. Eventually Lucy got tired of walking, so we headed back home to drop her off with my mom and Matt and I planned on walking more. Heather arrived during that break and I asked her if she’d like to come with us. She did, so she, Matt, and I took another walk around the neighborhood, pausing for my contractions when necessary. Matt rubbed my back during contractions and whispered soothing mantras. The sun was starting to set, so it was cool and breezy after a very hot day, and we had beautiful views of the mountains as we walked. After about a mile or so, I got tired of walking and my contractions were becoming difficult to stand through, so we returned home. The house smelled like chicken soup, an aroma that has brought me comfort since childhood. I walked into the kitchen but stopped for a contraction and found I couldn’t’ support my weight without help, so I leaned on the counter. I mentioned how comfortable it was to labor leaning over the counter, and at this point I still felt like the labor was very easy. I suggested we watch Borat because I wanted to keep laughing, so Matt put it on. After a few contractions, Heather grabbed one of Lucy’s small yellow plastic chairs and suggested I put one foot up on it on the next contraction. I was still leaning on the counter, so I lifted my right leg and put it on the chair. The next contraction was intense! The chair made a huge difference and I finally felt like the contraction was very difficult. I had been vocalizing during contractions, mostly a low moan, but this time I screamed, “Heather you bitch!” I glanced over at her to make sure she knew I was trying to be funny. She was laughing, so I added, “I knew midwives were witches!” When the contraction was over, she asked me if it was really that much more intense. “Yes!” I replied.
“Do you want to try the other side on the next contraction?”
“Yes!”
And I did, and it was just as intense. After about half a dozen more contractions, I could no longer stay in a standing position, so I moved over to the floor where I had set up yoga mats near the couch. I had a contraction on the way, but I was laughing at the movie. I couldn’t stop laughing, even though it made the contraction more painful! I got on my hands and knees and when I had contractions, I put my arms up on the sofa and buried my face in the cushions. Heather came and sat next to me. I asked her if I was upright enough to still make progress and she said I was. After only a few contractions in this position, things were getting intense and I felt like I needed to start crying. I told Heather that I felt like crying, and she told me to go ahead. I remember thinking, I can’t start crying now, because I’m probably going to have a meltdown in transition and I need to save my crying for then. So I’ll hold it together now so that I can break down in transition. I have no idea how much of this thought process I verbalized, because my contractions were starting to get so close together that I couldn’t find a comfortable resting position. I tried kneeling, sitting, staying semi-upright with my face buried in the pillows, and nothing worked. I told Heather that I thought I needed to get into the water. “Okay,” she said. “But let me tell you three things. 1. You’ve only had this consistent contraction pattern for about 15-20 minutes, so it hasn’t been very well established yet. If you get in the water now, it couldslow things back down. 2. I could check you to see what kind of progress you’ve made and then you could decide. Or 3. You could tell me to fuck off and get in the water anyway.
Smiling, I considered what she said. I remembered reading that water is so relaxing that it can slow things back down, so I decided to tough it out a little longer. But I felt like I had to poop, so I decided to try that. I got up and walked into the bathroom and tried. I sat down, pain. I stood up, pain. I sat again and stood again a few times and Matt came in to check on me. I hugged him and whimpered that I couldn’t go to the bathroom because it was too painful and he said that was ok. I walked back out to the living room and I could feel pressure so I told Heather I was getting into the water. She nodded and said “okay” and started to help me in. While I was in the bathroom, she had called Alana and told to come over, but I didn’t know. As I was stepping into the tub, though, I looked up at the tv and saw that it was the scene in Borat where he and his manager were running around naked, so I stopped short and said “Why aren’t you fast forwarding through this scene?! This is inappropriate for Lucy!” I think Lucy may have been the only person actually watching it at that point, so no one had noticed. Matt grabbed the remote and skipped the scene and someone asked me if I wanted it turned off and I said yes. Things were too intense to focus on Borat’s antics anymore. (But not too intense to censor my child’s media exposure, apparently.) So I stepped into the deliciously hot water and felt instant relief. I think I even closed my eyes and said “ahhhhhh.” Everything relaxed and I had a few moments to breathe. I asked Heather to check me at that point and she did. She said I was 8-10 cm and that one more contraction should make it a full 10. And then it dawned on me that I was in transition and that was why I had wanted to cry. Right then I had another contraction and I that ended in pushing a little bit. I was surprised to already be pushing! I remember a fleeting feeling of guilt that I was pushing without permission, and then I remembered that I didn’t need permission and I could push when I wanted to. (With my daughter, I was told not to push because the doctor was stuck in traffic.) I got up on my knees and told Matt, “If you want your mom to be here on Skype, get her now!” I held on to the side of the pool while he set up the computer and squatted between pushes. When a contraction came, I got on my knees and pushed. Matt returned and I wrapped one arm around him and he wrapped his around my back. Lucy and my mother were behind me, Alana walked in around that point, and she and Heather were next to Lucy and my mom. The computer was next to them, with my mother-in-law Mary on Skype. My mother called my sister Hannah and held the phone up so that Hannah could listen. I was completely surrounded by people who love me. I told them all, without mincing words, to “shut up!”
I was pushing him down and it HURT! I felt like if I could just hold the baby in, I could stop the pain. But I remembered Ina May Gaskin writing in one of the books I read that I had to release and work with the pain in order for it to stop hurting. So I relaxed and pushed, releasing a screamy growl. I could feel him descending. Another push, the same. I became somewhat concerned that Lucy might be scared, but my mother told me she was peeking into the water, looking for the head. I had prepared her well! Another push and I felt that desperation to have him out. They slid a mirror under me in case I wanted to look, but I couldn’t open my eyes. Every push I was sure would be THE PUSH TO END ALL PUSHES, but the next one only started crowning. I think I kept asking if they could see the head. When they finally said they could, I reached down to touch it, hoping to feel a head full of soft baby hair. When I felt his head, I was so happy to feel hair that the next push I gave it my all. I was sure his head must be out so I asked, “Is the head out?” A pause, and then one of the midwives said, “You’re stretching! Good job!” I was so pissed off. I thought, Don’t fucking tell me good job I want it OUT! I said, “Get it out!” I was sure that they could help me get him out and they were just not trying. The next push released his head, and so I gathered all my strength and told myself it would just be one more. One last push, and I felt his shoulders release and his body fly out, into the water. I exclaimed, “It’s out!” As if they all couldn’t see. I was still on my knees leaning over the side of the pool and trying to catch my breath. Heather said, “Ok, pick up your baby.” For a second I ignored her. I couldn’t move; I just needed a second to transition from pushing to cuddling. Someone told me a second time to pick up the baby and I thought, Someone else just pick up the fucking baby. Can you not see what I just did? Are you seriously going to let it drown if I don’t do it myself! God what the fuck?! And as quickly as I had that thought, it passed and I turned around and saw him floating with his back up. I turned him over and saw that he was a boy at the same time that Matt did, and we announced in chorus, “It’s a boy!” as I lifted him out of the water. Heather helped me with his cord so I could sit back and hold him on my chest in while relaxing in the tub. He was covered in vernix, a grayish color, and had a lopsided conehead. He was silent. He was perfect. Heather covered him with a towel as Lucy and Matt leaned over to see his face and my mom took pictures. He still didn’t cry. I asked Heather if he was ok. She smiled and nodded. He was so peaceful and quiet! I asked them to turn off the lights in the room so we could just relax together. He lay on my chest and stayed quiet. I was in awe. I kissed Matt and turned to look at Lucy. She looked at me and said, “Mom, now you’re my hero.” And that was when I cried.
The afterpains were much worse than I had expected them to be, and I did not want to deliver the placenta. I adamantly refused to! I told Heather it could stay in forever. Obviously it came out anyway! When I was ready to get out of the water, after delivering the placenta and nursing Hugo for the first time, Matt held him and Heather and Alana helped me out. Heather checked on me and then she helped Lucy cut his cord, giving her a high-five for a job well done. I watched from the couch, cursing the afterpains but feeling satisfied that I had had the birth I always wanted. Hugo was 7 lbs 8 oz and despite being half a pound bigger than his sister, I did not tear. (I had stitches in two places after birthing Lucy.) I announced that I was starving, and Heather and Alana chuckled and said, “That’s what we like to hear!” We all had the matzo ball soup that Matt and my mom had been working on all day. I had planned on Lucy and my mom baking a birthday cake for Hugo while I labored, but there wasn’t enough time, so Lucy shared the leftover cake from her birthday the day before with her brother and we all celebrated his Birth Day. My son was here, and his birth was perfect.
Note from Heather: Please visit thematrona.com and read The Holistic Stages of Labor for reassurance to many moms out there that it is normal and natural to need a moment or more before wanting to hold or greet your baby!
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